I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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