Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
