your thong is hanging out like whoa
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
