Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
