If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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