my phone needs a breathalizer
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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