All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
