Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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