the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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