I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize