I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
