Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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