I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
