meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
