Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
