I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
