i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
