youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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