I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
