it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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