I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Your penis caused this!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize