shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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