She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
