yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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