We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
