just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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