There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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