The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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