i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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