fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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