She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize