Don't you send me to vm
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
