I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
