You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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