so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
