I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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