Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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