Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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