All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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