Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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