i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
