He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
this will be a night to untag.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
