Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
