His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
