I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
