listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize