You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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