There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
