Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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