did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
