You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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