I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
