alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
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