I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
