I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
