I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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