I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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