last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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