mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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