I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize