Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
