look no pants
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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