i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
