Nicole vs. Life
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
